And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
