look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
