I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
