just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Never joke about your clitoris.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
