So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
