where am i from again
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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