I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
