i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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