last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm too high and old for this...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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