i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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