when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
