My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
