Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
