well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
FUCK WHALES
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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