Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
