did you get engaged???
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
