When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
