I just saw a hot homeless man
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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