soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
