My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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