The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
