and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
