you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
