Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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