I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
