I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
