Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
