Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
