haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
