3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
