I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
