i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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