If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
