last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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