I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
