apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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