I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
