I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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