Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
