We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
