Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
