I didn't shave. On purpose
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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