I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
