she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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