I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
