i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize