Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
