At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
