I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
