i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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