There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I understand Curling. That high.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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