Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
