If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
