So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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