FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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