could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize