Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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