don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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