I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
