i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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