I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
