Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
