Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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